10 Books, 1200 Dollars
by Tuttle4077
Summary: A challenge fic! Carter and Newkirk bring Hogan some information, but it comes at a price...


It's challenge time again. I know, I know, when is it NOT challenge time with me. Don't worry, one day I'll come up with an original idea... mark my words...

Anyway, this is a short, silly response to AnotherJounin's challenge posted on our forum which reads: The ten book challenge. You must include the titles of ten books on your bookshelf in a fic.

I decided it'd be fun to give it a try. So here it is. Hand your brain to the usher, sit down, and enjoy the popcorn... and the story...

Oh, and I don't own Hogan's Heroes, just in case any of you forgot...

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"'Don't Shoot, It's Only Me," Carter said, throwing his hands up.

Newkirk rolled his eyes and put his handgun back in his holster. "Blimey Carter, don't come sneakin' up on me like that! Haven't you got any 'Sense and Sensibility'?"

Carter just shot him a funny look. "What's that mean?"

Newkirk threw his eyes up and shook his head. "Never mind. We've gotta get back home. That ack-ack battery is a 'Clear and Present Danger' to our bombers." Carter nodded and followed Newkirk through the forest, heading back to Stalag 13. Newkirk glanced at him over his shoulder. "Did you meet up with 'Red Rabbit'?" he asked.

"Yeah, she gave me a copy of the Kraut's battle plans for their next offensive for the new front."

"Blimey, how she get that? Wait a minute! She?! Red Rabbit is a she?" Newkirk was shocked. A she? And he hadn't been the one to meet up with her? That wasn't fair! Carter got to hook up with some bird while he was photographing an ack-ack battery? "What was she like?"

Carter shrugged. "Short." At Newkirk's impatient glance, Carter just shrugged again.

"Anything else about her?" Newkirk urged, outlining a woman's figure in the air.

Carter nearly choked. "Geez Newkirk! She was old! I wasn't really looking at her… like that… She had thick glasses and a weird voice like a chipmunk with a sore throat."

Newkirk winced at the mental image. "Reminds me of this mean old biddy who lived next door when I was a kid. 'Mrs. Dalloway' her name was. Crazy dame. Acted like she was a rich lady from 'Northanger Abbey' or some such place."

Carter laughed. "Well, she got us the plans anyway."

"You sure some nosy Jerry didn't pay too much attention to you two?" Newkirk asked.

Carter pouted slightly. "Course," he said, a little offended. "I knew what I was doing."

"Right. Sorry Andrew," he said, waving his hand and dismissing any further comment on it. "Quiet now, we're almost home." Newkirk crouched a little lower as they approached their prison camp. Stopping on the edge of the brush, he waited for the searchlight to pass over him before dodging to the tree stump that served as the entrance to the camp's tunnel system. Huddling beside it, he again waited for the searchlight to pass, holding his breath. It passed and he opened the top of the trunk and climbed in. When his feet touched the dirt floor, he stepped back and waited for Carter to join him a moment later. Together, they made their way through the tunnel until they reached the radio room, where Colonel Hogan, Kinch and LeBeau were waiting for them.

"See you got back in one piece," Kinch noted with a small smile.

"As if there was any doubt," Newkirk scoffed. "Got those pictures for you guv'," he reported, holding his small bag out to the colonel.

"Good," Hogan said with a nod. "Why don't you go develop 'The Print' while Carter gives his report."

"On it guv'. Oh, and Colonel, don't bother asking Carter about Red Rabbit's figure. She didn't have one."

"Why do you think I didn't go?" Hogan quipped with an impish grin.

"You knew she was a dog?" Carter asked, a little hurt. "Boy Colonel, sometimes you're not very nice. I mean, I like a pretty girl as much as the next guy. Why don't I ever get to meet up with the pretty ones?"

Hogan placed a hand on Carter's shoulder and tried to be serious. "You're just too irresistible Carter. A pretty girl would forget any information she had with you around."

Carter looked consoled, even though he knew the colonel was poking fun at him. "You're right," he replied, playing along. LeBeau and Kinch snorted. Raising his chin a little, Carter brushed off his sleeve. "But really, talking to that lady should've been considered a 'Crime and Punishment'. Next time, I think I should take my chances with a pretty girl." He ignored the smirks on his friends' faces. "Anyway, here's the information she gave me." He passed the colonel a small packet.

"Great. Kinch, standby to transmit this to London." Kinch nodded and warmed his equipment. Tearing open the package, Hogan pulled out a map and a few sheets of paper and looked over it. "This is hot stuff. Really great stuff. Red Rabbit may be a dog, but she knows what she's doing. Take a look." Hogan handed the map to LeBeau, who also threw in some praises for their contact, and looked over the rest of the papers. "The Kraut's next assault is 'Officially Dead' in the water," he grinned as he scanned the information. Suddenly, he stopped and blinked. "What?!"

"What, what?" LeBeau asked curiously, trying to get a look at the page the colonel was holding.

"They've gotta be kidding!"

"What's wrong?" Kinch asked, raising an eyebrow.

"The Russians! They're billing me for the information!"

"Well that's not so unusual. We give them a little information, they give us a little information. Nothing wrong with that."

Hogan rolled his eyes. "You don't get it Kinch," he said, exasperated. "It's a bill."

"A bill?" LeBeau repeated, not sure what the colonel could mean.

Hogan looked down at the paper, not sure whether to be amused or outraged. He decided on the former and chuckled. "I don't believe it…"

"What?" The other three men demanded.

Hogan held the paper up to show them. "For information received: 'I Owe Russia $1200'."

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As I was writing this, I realized I don't really have that diverse a collection of books on my shelf (at least not on the one in my room, where I took the titles from...) Anyway...

"Don't Shoot, It's Only Me" Bob Hope

"Sense and Sensibility" Jane Austen

"Clear and Present Danger" Tom Clancy

"Red Rabbit" Tom Clancy

"Mrs. Dalloway" Virginia Woolf

"Northanger Abbey" Jane Austen

"The Print" The Editors of Time-Life Books (Okay, I sort of cheated here... it's not really a book like the others... It's more of a textbook for photography... but it is on my bookshelf... so... ppbth)

"Crime and Punishment" Fyodor Dostoevsky

"Officially Dead" Quentin Reynolds

"I Owe Russia $1200" Bob Hope


End file.
